Abuse is often hidden from public awareness. The following table illustrates a continuum of behaviors that indicate healthy, unhealthy, and abusive relationships.
Healthy Relationships
Good Communication |
Relationship Problems
Risk of Abuse |
Abusive Relationships
Power Imbalance |
| Handle conflict well; "fight fairly," respect, negotiate. |
May have arguments, yelling, disrespect. |
Physical or emotional threats, coercion, intimidation, insults during arguments. Conflict may occur in a cycle and may cause one partner to be in fear. |
| No violence. |
May have an isolated incident of throwing things or destroying property. |
Any of the following:
- Pattern of physical incidents.
- Single physical incident followed by threats, intimidation, emotional abuse.
Single incident of high lethality behaviors such as choking, threatening with a weapon. |
| Able to listen actively and hear each other most of the time. |
Not able to listen actively or hear each other consistently. |
Fear, threats, or intimidation associated with trying to be heard. |
| Partners feel loved and understood most of the time. |
Partners frequently feel angry, unheard, hurt. |
One person experiences severe physical or verbal consequences for expressing feelings or opinions. |
| Relationship makes each person feel good about self. |
Sometimes feels good, sometimes bad about self in this relationship. |
One person consistently feels bad about self due to insults, put downs, etc. from other person. |
| Sexual compatibility, satisfaction, respect, pleasure. Open communication about sexual relationship. |
May be unhappy with sexual relationship; may not feel comfortable discussing feelings. |
Sexual coercion; verbal, physical, or emotional pressure to have sex; degrading comments about partner's body; disrespect for partner's religious beliefs about sexuality; expectation to perform even if scared or unhappy; no option to discuss feelings. |
| May experience occasional jealousy, couple is able to work through their feelings. |
Jealousy is unresolved. |
Extreme jealousy, frequent phone calls to "check up" on partner, jealousy coupled with threats, insults, attempts to control partner's life. |
| Make financial decisions together. |
Unresolved conflict over financial decisions. |
One person makes all financial decisions or makes decisions that do not benefit the partner; preventing partner from getting or keeping a job, receiving education; making partner ask for money or turn over paychecks; requiring "permission" to spend money on basic family needs. |
| Accept responsibility for self, admit being wrong, be honest and truthful. |
Dishonesty, violations of trust, lack of responsibility for self/own actions, pride gets in the way of admitting wrongdoing. |
Blame the other person for everything including one's own actions/behavior, minimizing or denying one's own hurtful behavior towards the other person. |
| Support each other's goals, interests, feelings, friends, choices. Shared decisions. |
Lack of support for other's goals, interests, feelings, friends, choices. Making major family decisions without consulting the other person. |
Frequent criticism of other's goals, interests, feelings, friends, choices; isolation; control of other's personal, spiritual, or family decisions; control of where partner goes, who partner talks to; intentionally jeopardizing partner's job, education, etc. |
| Help partner feel safe and comfortable. |
May have feelings of not being safe. |
One person feels afraid, intimidated, hopeless, helpless; other uses looks, gestures, and threats to control partner. |
